by mattheaglass
I’ve struggled with this post, writing, and re-writing. I’m still not able to express what I
‘m feeling. This life has taught me that everyone has a story. Most stories lead us to ask, “Why does God allow suffering?” I’ve been asking that for over a year and want to share a thought. Well, not just the last year; honestly, I have not led a charmed life. More on that later, but for now, it’s surviving grief.
This time a year ago, I conceived Kai during a time of great trouble. September was the beginning of an episode where I watched my entire life be shaken and torn. We stood, silent, waiting.
Meanwhile, I was watching my spiritual mom waste away from cancer. Visiting her once a week for a little while, I learned to empty a chest tube that relieved the build-up of fluid in her lungs. She became like a child, needing constant attention. In those last days, I watched as my spiritual mother, mentor, and friend struggled. I have to moment by moment claim the truth of scripture as she faced death.
All I wanted to do was sit on my front porch and enjoy my roses while holding my blessing. The little blessing that kept me holding on. My little Kai. I can not describe the devastation of having him in death, and still, my soul refused to die.
Why? Because all of creation groans under the weight of sin. Sin is still present and active today. Whether we Believe it or not, we feel the effects: war, sickness, famine, and death. Here I sit with death in my very arms. My flesh failed. I have an empty cradle. Is every war the fault of those who die? No. Is every sickness inflicted because it is deserved? No. Is every death the fault of the mommy who holds her child in her arms? No. No. No. In every situation, we cry out, “Save us! Save us!” And a loving Savior says, “I have.”
Remember, Jesus stepped out of heaven, submitting himself to a criminal’s death. Death on the cross, the electric chair of the ancient world. Jesus did that to save our souls, not set up a kingdom on earth for us. Jesus’ closest followers, the Disciples, missed it too. They wanted him to throw off the Roman occupation and set himself up as king. But Jesus came for a more excellent work. He came to bring salvation to the whole world, and because of that, we wait with the Lord as he does not delay His promise but is patient, not wanting any to perish but all to come to repentance. Until Jesus comes again, all of humanity will continue to suffer death, war, sickness…etc.
How does this help me? I grieve like the women in all generations before me who have lost, but Jesus is still with me. Yes, I have wept and wailed, with my tears soaking the rug in the bathroom where my knees gave way in the pain of my loss. My heart is in pieces, but God still loves me. Who can separate me from this love? Can affliction, anguish, persecution, famine, nakedness, danger, or sword? No. Not death nor life nor angels nor rulers nor things present, not things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I didn’t die that day. Hope remains.
Flourishing Faith 
Pain upon pain. Betrayal. False accusation. Humiliation. Death. Of life. Death of ministry. Such loss. What a great hope we have in the resurrection life of Christ. What a great hope we have in him who promises to wipe away every tear. What a great hope we have in the promise that with the very comfort we receive, we can comfort others.
Bless you. Thanks for sharing your story. That takes a lot of courage.
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