She’s not one of us

tracks 2

Getting off the school bus, she was sure to walk a few steps behind the group of pretty girls, not wanting them to notice her.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words kill.”

She knew her place.

As she crossed over to the other side of the tracks, she wondered what it would be like to own a new dress with a matching Jo-Jo bow.

Dressed in her brother’s hand-me-down jeans that never seemed to fit right, she walked on dreading the evening routine: help with little sister’s homework, get the house clean, make dinner, hope mom doesn’t get mad and yell, smile pretty, maybe dad will notice.  Just maybe today her parents will acknowledge how hard she’s working for their approval.

We all long for significance.  Desiring to be the one on top, we like to break society into classes.  Although, in America these classes are more fluid, let us not be blind to ethnic, economic, and social barriers that we created to find value and significance at the expense of other image bearers.  This man-made significance never satisfies our need.

We can mine the Bible for a rich treasure trove of truth.  God has no favorites.  He does not love the rich more, giving them more for their comfort.  He does not love the poor less, causing them to suffer because of laziness.  He doesn’t favor one skin tone over another.  He doesn’t create girls to be taken advantage of by men. We live in a world broken by sin, plagued by suffering, and characterized by the strong taking from the weak, but this is not God’s desire.

The very sin that breaks our hearts and self-image broke Jesus Christ’s body on the cross!

Romans 2:11-11 but glory, honor, and peace for everyone who does good, first for the Jew, then for the Greek. For God does not show favoritism.   All who sin apart from the Law will also perish apart from the Law, and all who sin under the Law will be judged by the Law.

Deuteronomy 10:17
“For the LORD your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God who does not show partiality nor take a bribe.


Job 34:19
Who shows no partiality to princes Nor regards the rich above the poor, For they all are the work of His hands?

Acts 10:34
Then Peter began to speak: “I now truly understand that God does not show favoritism,

Romans 9:14
What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Absolutely not!

There are so many more verses!

The ground at the foot of the Cross is level.  If I know this to be true, why do I still struggle to find significance in the world?  Why do I still compare myself to others?  Why aren’t others struggling like me with finances, self-worth, disobedient children… the list can go on and on.  In short, a soft prosperity gospel has invaded the church.  Some-where along the way, we began to believe that being co-heirs with Christ means that we should never suffer, but that God will give us every desire of our hearts.  We missed the Bible’s message about suffering.

In Romans 8:17 Paul writes, “and if children, also heirs, heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, seeing that we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.”  Paul’s encouragement to us, is not that we won’t suffer, but suffering will never separate us from God’s love.  We are called, justified, glorified.  It’s not that we will never be afflicted, be anguished, be persecuted, be hungry, be naked, in danger, face the sword, or face death.  These things do not separate us from His love.

The soft prosperity gospel says, “#BLESSED, #tooblessedtobestressed.”

You have to read this article. It may hurt, but repentance frees us! Grace covers us!

How God Saved Me From The Prosperity Gospel

Before my son died, I didn’t even recognize how the soft prosperity gospel blinded me and my circle of friends.  Its influence is so subtle.  Like the author in the above article, I didn’t see it until my faith stopped making sense.  I was #blessed, so why is all this happening.  We were losing everything: Kai, house, job, friends, and church.

I faced the truth that God never promises to rescue us from the situations of earthly life that sin causes or the brokenness that follows.  Even when we ask for forgiveness, we experience the earthly consequences of sin. Read King David’s story in 2 Samuel 12:10.

We naturally gravitate towards teachers that inspire and make us feel good about ourselves.   We want to be told that we are basically OK.  Yeah, bad things happened to us, but now we are powerful and we can tell our story!  We are worthy and beautiful.  We prefer a feel good self-empowerment gospel.  After all, we want to be satisfied with our station life.  We’ve worked hard to be significant or find significance in the bad things that have happened.  We’ve exchanged the God of the Bible for therapeutic moralistic deism.  Peter says, “For uttering bombastic empty words, they seduce, by fleshly desires and debauchery… They promise freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption, since people are enslaved to whatever defeats them.”

Jesus teaches that his kingdom is not of this world.  To be first we must be the servant of all.  The way that leads to destruction is broad.  The road that leads to righteousness is straight and the gate is narrow.  The righteous will be persecuted.  Almost everything he teaches is the opposite of our natural inclinations, including suffering.

Peter writes, “but even if you should suffer for righteousness, you are blessed” II Peter 3:14.  Would we write #blessed after Herod chopped off John the Baptist’s head? What about Stephen who was stoned for preaching the gospel? Priscilla and Aquila started three churches, but were kicked out of their hometown.  The Apostle Paul says that he was overwhelmed with fears on the inside and outside.  Blessed?

The rain falls on the just and the unjust Matthew 5:45.  All of us would like the right amount of rain at just the right time to fall for our greatest comfort.  Some of us are poor, some of us have endured abuse, some of us are plagued by tragedy, and some of us have too many children, while others are infertile.  How can we know who is loved? 

All of us! Jesus loved the whole world, and gave his life for all of us!

Revelation 3:20 Listen! I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and have dinner with him, and he will me.”

The Lord has prepared a wedding feast for his Bride. He calls all to come and eat with him, making no accommodations for rich or poor, abused or abuser, skin color, young or old.  He simply calls everyone to repentance, not wanting anyone to perish, but wanting all to be saved. He wants to walk with us through all of life’s moments. Earth is not Heaven!

The evil in us

The school shooting demonstrates how broken this world is. Although, at times in human history, we have been able to restrain man’s evil heart by cultural means, however, sin remained. Women were less than men. Racism in all its evil pride lurks in our hearts and institutions. Sure, the Greatest Generation sounds great on paper for some. We didn’t have mass murders in schools, but let’s not gloss over that every generation has tried to restrain evil and failed.

I can’t imagine the grief these parents will have to walk through. Remember, picture the parents, then remove all their bones, and tell them to walk. They can’t, but some-how grieving parents find a way to keep going. Have you ever noticed, there isn’t a name for grieving parents? We have orphans and widows and widowers, but there isn’t a word for grieving parents. For these parents and this community the devastation has just begun.

I think about the shooter and what has come out about his life. When is the church going to take back it’s God given mandate to care for the fatherless and stop relying solely on foster care. I remember reading a startling statistic that if every church came together, chose a family to support (financially, socially, etc.), and adopted one orphan, we wouldn’t have any need for orphanages.  We are the royal priest hood. God’s chosen ambassadors to the world to make disciples. This mandate costs, but for some of us we don’t see ourselves as chosen for anything.

At first, thinking about what I have been through pales in comparison to Parkland, but whatever rejection and devastation we have endured is big to us. I am overwhelmed by God’s truth that He accepted me.  I have been verbally abused and mocked by a caregiver that should have loved me.  I have been physically abused by a boyfriend that said he wanted to marry me.  I have been rejected by friends that said they stood with me, only to reject my grief. I have done destructive things to myself and others. We all have our sad stories of rejection and destruction, but when I think about what Jesus endured for us, it doesn’t compare.

I am accepted because He was rejected.

The Bible clearly records that before the creation of the world God knew that Jesus would have to be sacrificed to restore creation.  I can’t imagine setting out to create something that I knew would fail me, but God loves us that much.  He didn’t make us robots that had no choice but to mindlessly obey him.  This opened the world up to all kinds of evil.  Ever since Adam and Eve took the first bite of the forbidden fruit, humans have been destroying one another.

I was in a small group of believers that were seeking to be healed from past hurts.  One of the believers said, “I don’t understand how God can be good, and sit back a let me as a little innocent child endure sexual abuse?  I’m angry at God!”  We sit back and ask how could God allow mass school shootings. When God allowed humans to choose Him, He allowed us to choose to sin against him and sin against one another.  The truth is, we love being able to choose.  We hate when others choose to be selfish and hurt us, but we don’t like being told what to do.  Some would call this a conundrum.

On one hand we hate evil, but we seem to keep choosing to be evil.

Maybe some of us can’t identify with the example of childhood sexual abuse, but we are all devastated by another mass school shooting. And personally, we all have been rejected or made to feel worthless at one time or another.

The explosive thought I had is that God can relate to us.  Jesus, who being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage rather he humbled himself into the womb of a teenage girl.  He became a baby, dependent on one of his creations to do everything for him. He took on flesh knowing that he would then humble himself again by becoming obedient to death on the cross.  We skipped over that He knew that the very people he came to save would reject him. Oh, and one of his twelve closest friends would betray him, giving him up to be killed by the religious authorities.

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.  Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.  Surely, he took up our pain and bore our suffering yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him and afflicted.  But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:3-6

The punishment that brings us peace was on him. My favorite passage that I could quote at the end of every post is Ephesians 1:3-8. The key words in that passage are “in Him”.  Our peace, forgiveness, acceptance, worth, everything begins and ends with “in Him”.  In a culture that is “me” obsessed this doesn’t make any sense to us in the beginning.  We seek to find ourselves and heal our self-image.  In vain, we try harder to be better and achieve more.  These things always leave us needing more.  Some of us look at the drug addict without realizing that we can be just as addicted to acceptance by whatever means we are searching for it: religion, success, self-image, Christian service.  Yes, we can even use the church to bolster our-self-image and worth.  We are using religion or Christian service like some use success or drugs to feel acceptable or worthy.

We must face the truth that there is nothing that we can do or not do to be acceptable to God.  There is nothing that can be done to us or for us that makes us worthy or worthless. 

Our good works are like filthy rags.  Unless our righteousness exceeds the most righteous person we know, we will not be accepted.  Maybe now our pride is beginning to expand with all the times we did the right thing.  However, it is impossible to go through this life without becoming angry or lusting for love from someone.  Let’s face it, we can’t go through the normal crazy feelings of puberty without sinning.  In the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, Jesus reveals the truth of our desperate situation.  He demonstrates that man is unable to keep all of God’s law thereby making them unworthy.

At this point some of us are pulling out our salvation as a badge.  But how do we live?  What situations make us feel rejected?  Where are gaining value?  What makes us feel worth or worthless? What is the motivation for our good works? Why are we nice to people?  Sometimes our motivation is to win the praise of men so that we feel good about who we are. There are too many situations where we wrongly use religion, success, or self-worth to go into detail about all of them.

I want to focus our attention on the Beginning and the End.  Without being “in Him” we are unacceptable.  We are on unworthy on our own. Righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  God gave us Jesus as a sacrifice, the reparation for our unacceptable deeds, to be received by faith. This faith in the finished work of the cross makes us acceptable to God.  Why do we continually struggle with feelings of being unaccepted or unworthy?

The first reason may be unconfessed sin.  A sweet girl in my life submitted her will and life to God, but she thought she could make confession to God alone.  She continued to struggle in self-doubt because she needed to make confession to the other people that she sinned against. James 5:13 says to confess our sins to one another so that we can be healed.  Only fools mock at making amends for sin, but good will is found among the upright, Proverbs 14:9.  When we make confession to the ones we’ve hurt, we begin repairing the relationship.  When relationships are broken we feel rejection.  Confession clears those feelings giving way for us to accept one another and we can feel God’s acceptance.  The problem does not begin with God’s acceptance, our feelings are clouding God’s truth in our lives.

Secondly, we have a real adversary.  The Evil One roams this earth looking for whom he may devour.  Jesus calls him the Accuser of the Brethren.  Do you feel accused?  The difference between conviction and condemnation is found here.  The Accuser of the Brethren will make you feel frightened, confused, obsessed, depressed, and rushed.  The only way to beat him is to draw close to God and he will flee from you.  How do we draw close to God?  We know His truth.  What makes you acceptable, JESUS.  How are you forgiven, JESUS!  It’s JESUS, JESUS, JESUS!  Making confession to God and those we have hurt will combat all the nasty feelings that we feel when we are accused.  We simply will not have anything for the Evil One to use.

Thirdly, holding on to past hurts that violated us as Image Bearers keeps us feeling worthless and shamed.  At some point in our lives, we got the message that bad things would not have happened to me if I was worth more.  This is a lie.  When someone harms another person, they are selfishly taking what does not belong to them.  This is another blog post to come, but God does not make different classes of people.  We are all equally image bearers.  The Bible contains a treasury of verses teaching that God does not have favorites.  He does not make “throw away girls” and “good girls”.  He creates every girl to be loved and cherished, imbuing each of us with value because He created us to belong to Him.  I have felt like a “throw away girl.” I found freedom in declaring that the abuse I suffered is sin.  I agreed with God (repented).  I released the abuse and the abuser to be judge by God, therefore, I can stop judging myself as worth-less than the abuser or others who have not been abused.  We are equal in God’s sight.  We are “sheep that have gone astray each of us to our own way.”  There is nothing in us that deserved to be harmed, rather, we each have free will.  We can freely choose to follow God, or we can freely choose to harm others to fulfill our selfish desires.  Abuse is about the abuser not the innocent.  Now, we can face the aftermath of the abuse.  Many of us begin to self-abuse.  Hand in hand, repentance and forgiveness, we go back to my first point and ask God to forgive us because we have self-abused.  We’ve damaged ourselves.  We need to repair the relationship with ourselves.

Conviction is a good feeling leading us to grace. Condemnation makes us feel hopeless.  We never enter a time of confession without Jesus’s grace.  The price has been paid.  We have no fear in uncovering our hurts or bad deeds before our God.  Freedom is found in repentance.  Holding on to our sin is like playing tug-of-war.  As long as the people on each end of the rope are tugging, we are at war.  We let go of our end of the rope by making confession and forgiving those who have hurt us. No matter how hard they may tug on their end, if we’ve released ours, the war is over.  But until we have released the rope, we are still a prisoner of war.  If this seems too difficult to do that’s because we must move from a place of power to confessing we are powerless.

Does God love me?

When Kai died, the trauma of loss and grief overwhelmed me in torrents of pain and mom n childsadness. At times the pain grew so intense, it left me gasping for breath. I was drowning in sorrow.  How could a God who says He loves me, let me go through this?  Isn’t He all powerful?  Isn’t He good?  There’s no darkness in Him, right? My pain exposed my broken places.  My conclusion was that God didn’t love me.  I wasn’t one of the “chosen” because surely His “chosen” would be protected from such evil.

A friend was trying to encourage me. She said to pick something to remind me that God loves me.  I did.  I appropriated God’s rainbow of promise that He would never flood the world again to show His love for me.  Now, I see my arrogance.  The animists believe that they can manipulate their circumstances with the physical world.  My world became more about a rainbow than faith in Jesus.  Faith is believing without seeing.  I’ve blogged about my devastation over my husband getting to see a rainbow, while I was in a meeting that Rainbow Selfieemotionally I could barely sit through.  The problem with “pick your thing” is the LORD created the rainbow for His purposes.  The pink skies belong to Him and declare His glory, not His love for me.  “Pick your thing” is man-centric.  What happens to me when I desperately need reassurance of God’s love, and it’s storming? There’s no pink sky, no rainbows, and no prancing deer. Nature is what nature is.

Another friend encouraged me to “push through.”  She kept saying, “Let go, let God.”  “God’s got this!”  I looked at her and said, “This is what you say to someone who can’t breathe?”  She simply said yes and kept talking, saying how everyone needed me to push through because they needed me to be O.K.  Even she needed me to be O.K. Although, she was trying to help, what she did was deny my pain.  Frustrated and overwhelmed, I finally asked her to stop talking because she was hurting me.  The next morning her husband told me to apologize to her for being harsh with her.  Again, denying my pain in my time of need. Later, this couple condemned me for not grieving with them.  Desperately, I tried to point out the duplicity of expecting me to start acting like the “old Matthea”, while exposing them to my grief.  They just sat there saying “No. No. No.” Unfortunately, we were unable to resolve the break in relationship.

I cried out to the Lord in my anguish, believing in His power to heal, even if He didn’t love me.  What I now know is that my grief journey followed a similar path of most.  In the beginning, I was almost numb.  I went through the motions of the funeral and trying to get back to my old life, but I couldn’t sleep.  My lack of sleep alone could account for some of my anguish.  Grieving is exhausting!

About a year before Kai died my spiritual mom passed away from cancer leaving dad infant lossand a bunch of new sisters to grieve together.  Dad encouraged me to read Finding God by Dr. Larry Crabb.  My dad met me in my devastation, my overwhelming loss.  The closest I can come to describing the pain of losing my child is to picture the removal of every bone in your body. Now be your old self walking.  You can’t! 

Dr. Crabb met me too.  Throughout the pages of his book he described my pain.  He understood my fear that God didn’t love me.  He identified with me in my anger and anguish. He asked me to grapple with whether or not God is good? He even helped me to understand my two friends.  He writes in his book,

“Modern Christians are presented with two options for dealing with our lives: Either we can understand how our souls have been wounded and how to receive God’s healing nourishment, or we can obey God as a stern uninvolved father, and never tell him how bad we hurt. Either our hurt is the point, or it is no point at all. Either our needs matter more than anything else, or it is wrong even to mention them.

We need a third way of handling our lives- a way that combines a passionate sensitivity to our deepest struggles with a tender insistence that something matters more than how we feel.  It is healthy to face the pain in our souls, to feel bad when others violate our dignity, to admit to ourselves how desperately we long to feel loved and valued and accepted as we are.  But, in the middle of all this, we need to remember that the point of Christianity is not us, but God who cares for us.”

SO, I can’t quote the whole book, but I hope it intrigues you enough to read it.

giving babyGod met me in my grief.  As I trusted Him with my grief, He showed me that the reason why my friends hurt me so deeply was my expectations.  I expected my friends to love me more than they loved themselves.  We can’t expect that out of others; we are all broken people. They loved me the way they made sense of their hurts, and that didn’t work for me.  I needed God. In my world there wasn’t a rainbow, and I couldn’t just push through the pain. Ignoring the pain felt like I was dishonoring Kai’s memory.  He was a real person, who needed to be grieved, not forgotten.

God truly cares about our hurts, but the physical world that is broken by sin does not display His love for us.  God knew that nothing in all of creation would be good enough to show His love.  God sent himself to bring us back to himself. As I cried out to God to rescue me, He gently said, “I have. I gave you myself. I paid the price, so that you can enjoy my presence.” I realized I wanted God to protect me from everything that everyone else must endure because we still live in a world broken by sin.  Our bodies fail. Our minds fail. Our emotions lie to us. Our friends fail.  Parents fail. Children die. People hurt us. This world is broken that’s why Jesus reminds us that His kingdom is not of this world. I wanted His kingdom NOW. I’ve learned that there are some problems that will not be solved until heaven. When my friend looked at me and quoted the verse, “He gives beauty for ashes.” I no longer tried to be heard. I silently said in my heart, “Yes, He will, but right now, I literally have the ashes of my son in an urn. He hasn’t taken my ashes.” One day, I will stand with my son and worship the Risen Savior.

I have learned that I do not have to submit myself to the “fundamentalist who crushes the soul under proud obedience, and I don’t have to give into the illusion of life that honors the deadly virus of selfishness by calling it a different name. The first approach seems to imply that we pick ourselves up from where we have fallen by a mere act of will.  The second defines our helpless condition as morally excusable and therefore values God’s help above his mercy.”

Paul reminds us that nothing can separate us from the love of God.  What I missed is that I may have to face death.  I may be in trouble. I will face hardship and persecution and famine and nakedness and danger and sword. I may be delivered up as sheep to be slaughtered. Not because doesn’t love me, but because this world is broken. My Jesus has demonstrated his love for me that while I was still a sinner He died for me. I am an heir, co-heir with Christ, but I will indeed share in his sufferings in order that I may also share in his glory. Romans 8:17

What is in a name?

Most of us in America are named because our parent’s like the sound of the name, it’s a family name, or it’s a popular name. What I love about many other cultures is that most people know what there name means. In the Bible God’s name is significant. We are even familiar with some of them. Abba means Daddy, Jehova Jira the Provider, El Shaddai, God Almighty. God proved himself to be the “God Who Sees Beforehand.”Chairo

Kai Marshall, being the fifth child and fourth boy of a family, where all the children’s first names start with hard K sound and the middle name starts with an M, not many names are left. Coming up with a name for him was not easy. As if that wasn’t enough, he was conceived during very difficult times for our family.

Determined to celebrate that the Lord granted my request for another child, I searched for a meaningful name. During the Young Adults Bible study in Philippians 4, I was reminded of the Greek word for Rejoice, Chairo (said with a hard K). Jon and I played with it for a while. I told one of my friends, and she looked at me without missing a beat and says, “Chairo… You’re going to name him after the capital of Egypt?” Um…No.

My spiritual dad from Hawaii says, “Name him after my Hawaiian name. David is Kawika.” So, we started looking at Hawaiian names, and came across Kai meaning water. But this is the time of relativism, and things mean what you want them to mean, right? We took Chairo and shortened it to Kai, reminding us to rejoice no matter the circumstances.

Sunday morning, June 22, the puzzle pieces came together. As we sat, in our grief, trying to see through the tears, I heard my friend’s voice from that Young Adult Bible study say, “Maybe we don’t have peace because we’re praying, but we’re not being thankful.” Philippians 4:4-7 overwhelmed my soul. How do I have peace when I am so broken? How do I breath? How do I rejoice? How does my heart not become bitter and angry? How…How…HOW LORD DO I HOLD ON TO YOU?

Lift one hand to the Lord in prayer. Taking all your petitions and worries and griefs to the Lord in pray. Don’t leave one thought or feeling or worry hidden from His presence. Cry out to Him in the anguish of your soul. Lift up the other hand in thanksgiving. One steady theme has emerged for me in my reading of the scriptures. It’s like God has grabbed my face and said, “LOOK at Me. Worship Me. Hope in Me.” When I begin to view my life with eternity in mind the present sufferings are becoming smaller because I can see the Glory of the Cross. I can be thankful that MY GOD IS BIGGER than anything that I face. Thankfulness that God sought me and bought me with His redeeming blood!

It’s amazing that the very verses that have brought me hope and peace are the very verses that I found Kai’s name.

Chairo in the Lord always. I will say it again Kai!