As Kai’s one year birthday approached, overwhelming anxiety enveloped me. Well-meaning people had already severely damaged my soul in grief, so we decided to take a vacation away from everyone to remember Kai on his birthday.

On our way to Florida, we stopped to attend church at Passion City Church in Atlanta, and Matt Redman led worship that morning. As we sang, he gave us the back story of why he writes music. He told us that he knew what it was like to hurt. He told us that his dad died from suicide when he was seven years old and that shortly after, he was sexually abused by a predator. As an adult, he and his wife grieved the loss of four children because of miscarriage.

This morning, I can’t help but think about the brokenness that sin causes. I think about my own sin. How many times have I harmed others because of my selfishness and pride? I think about how many times others have harmed me. I think about how prevalent sexual sin is. I think about how tempted we are to think that our sin isn’t as bad as someone else sin.

I know that day three years ago, God ordained us to be there to hear Matt’s testimony. His honesty about his hurts heals my hurts. This morning, I was reminded that sin in the church shouldn’t hinder the good news of the gospel. It should display the great need for Jesus. None of us are a little good and need just a little bit of Jesus. The darkness of sin reigns in every heart, and Jesus is the only remedy.

I woke up this morning repenting, repenting of my pride and tendency to want to prove that I am good. Like Paul, I never want to lose sight of my great need for Jesus. Paul writes 1Timothy 1:13, “Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man.”

What if every Christian stood up and said what they once were?

I once was an idolater, envious, jealous, pride-filled, angry girl, and the only thing that changed me was Jesus. He is my righteousness. He is my hope. No one and nothing else will save me from the muck and mire of sin.

Today, I will meditate on Jesus. In him all things hold together, me and my church.

He is the image of invisible God

                                The first-born over all creation

He is the king of Kings and the Lord of Lords

                For by Him all things were created

                                Things in heaven and on earth

                                Visible and invisible

                                                Whether thrones

                                                Or powers

                                                Or rulers

                                                Or authorities

He is the king of Kings and the Lord of Lords

                                All things are created by him and for him

                His before all things

                                And in him all things hold together

And he is the head of the body, the church

His is the beginning and the first-born from among the dead

                So that in everything he might have supremacy

He is the king of Kings and the Lord of Lords

                For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him

                And through him to reconcile to himself all things

                                Whether things on earth

                                Or things in heaven

                                By making peace through his blood shed on the cross

He is the king of Kings and the Lord of Lords

At the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth

And every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father