My Worth is Untouchable

How the letter “Y” creates heresy?

In women’s ministry today, I am hearing more and more good women leaders confuse


I will teach my girls of their worth in the eyes of a loving God, but I will tell them of a gracious God who died for them because they are sinners.

the words worth and worthy. I have been to different conferences, and listened to women that I respect tell the audience, “You are worthy.”

The #MeToo movement brought sexual abuse to the forefront. Jesus restores the dignity of women like myself who endured abuse. Some leaders have unintentionally confused worth, meaning value, with being worthy, which is based on merit. We must care for abused woman. We must understand the pain of being violated as an Image Bearer creates feelings of being worthless and shamed.  We can teach that inherent in every soul is worth because God created her without compromising the truths of the gospel.

My worth to God does not mean that I am worthy!

The Gospel is Good News. Although, our sin makes us unworthy, Jesus died for us, while we were sinners. God’s love for us did not change because of our sin. Sin did not change our value in God’s eyes. He desired to redeem us, while we were unworthy.

We are not worthy, but we do have worth.

Many good people with great intentions want to free women from this bondage by adding a “y” to the end of the word worth.

You are worthy!

Now we enter heresy and further the weight of bondage. The broken and abused are not excluded from Romans 3:10-12 “There is no one righteous, not even one: there is no one who understand; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away. They have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, no not even one.”

This demonstrates that we have all sinned and so we cannot be worthy of God’s salvation. Our behavior here is the issue not our intrinsic worth.

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

Inherent in every soul is worth because God created it.

Worth is unmerited.

Genesis 1: 27 So God created mankind in his own image; in the image of God he created them; male and female.

Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well.

Worth is untouchable. No one through word or deed can change a soul’s worth. We were all born to broken parents. One does not have to endure physical, sexual, or emotional abuse to feel worthless. Sin mars everyone’s sense of self-worth. Sin separates us from the Source of Worth, but when our dignity is broken we experience shame. Shame and guilt are not the same thing. Shame says, “There is something wrong with me.” Guilt says, “I did something wrong.”  We all have guilt because we all have sin. Those of us battling shame feel like we were born worth less than others. We were born bad.

Say it with me…

My worth is untouchable.

God loves me. He redeemed me. Through Jesus Christ, He justifies and glorifies me!


Meditation: A Lamp And A Light

Today, we start a new series at McElwain Baptist Church, RESTORED. Sadly, I’m missing the first sermon because I’m home with “stomach” cramps. I can give testimony to His restoration! I am being restored! I am so thankful that Jesus redeemed me and is continually using His word to restore my life. This is my meditation for today. I need to be reminded that the Word of God is sweet and pure because sometimes it cuts deep, exposing my depravity. I must not fear the truth because as God cuts away my selfish desires I more clearly see His love for me.Restored

Meditation: A Lamp And A Light from the hymnal

Isaiah 40:8,2; 2 Timothy 3:16-17; Hebrews 4:12; Psalms 19, 119

The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of our God stands forever!

All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

The Word of God is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword.

The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul.

The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.

The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the hear.

The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.

The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous.

They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. By them is your servant warned; In keeping them there is great reward.

Teach me knowledge and good judgement for I believe in your commands.

I am your servant; give me discernment that I may understand your statutes.

Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.

Praise be to You, O Lord; teach me Your decrees with my lips I recount all the laws that come from Your mouth. I rejoice in following Your statutes as one rejoices in great riches.

My heart is set on keeping Your decrees to the very end. Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in Your law.

I meditate on Your precepts

I consider Your ways.

I delight in Your decrees.

I have hidden Your Word in my heart that I might not sin against You. It is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Does God love me?

When Kai died, the trauma of loss and grief overwhelmed me in torrents of pain and mom n childsadness. At times the pain grew so intense, it left me gasping for breath. I was drowning in sorrow.  How could a God who says He loves me, let me go through this?  Isn’t He all powerful?  Isn’t He good?  There’s no darkness in Him, right? My pain exposed my broken places.  My conclusion was that God didn’t love me.  I wasn’t one of the “chosen” because surely His “chosen” would be protected from such evil.

A friend was trying to encourage me. She said to pick something to remind me that God loves me.  I did.  I appropriated God’s rainbow of promise that He would never flood the world again to show His love for me.  Now, I see my arrogance.  The animists believe that they can manipulate their circumstances with the physical world.  My world became more about a rainbow than faith in Jesus.  Faith is believing without seeing.  I’ve blogged about my devastation over my husband getting to see a rainbow, while I was in a meeting that Rainbow Selfieemotionally I could barely sit through.  The problem with “pick your thing” is the LORD created the rainbow for His purposes.  The pink skies belong to Him and declare His glory, not His love for me.  “Pick your thing” is man-centric.  What happens to me when I desperately need reassurance of God’s love, and it’s storming? There’s no pink sky, no rainbows, and no prancing deer. Nature is what nature is.

Another friend encouraged me to “push through.”  She kept saying, “Let go, let God.”  “God’s got this!”  I looked at her and said, “This is what you say to someone who can’t breathe?”  She simply said yes and kept talking, saying how everyone needed me to push through because they needed me to be O.K.  Even she needed me to be O.K. Although, she was trying to help, what she did was deny my pain.  Frustrated and overwhelmed, I finally asked her to stop talking because she was hurting me.  The next morning her husband told me to apologize to her for being harsh with her.  Again, denying my pain in my time of need. Later, this couple condemned me for not grieving with them.  Desperately, I tried to point out the duplicity of expecting me to start acting like the “old Matthea”, while exposing them to my grief.  They just sat there saying “No. No. No.” Unfortunately, we were unable to resolve the break in relationship.

I cried out to the Lord in my anguish, believing in His power to heal, even if He didn’t love me.  What I now know is that my grief journey followed a similar path of most.  In the beginning, I was almost numb.  I went through the motions of the funeral and trying to get back to my old life, but I couldn’t sleep.  My lack of sleep alone could account for some of my anguish.  Grieving is exhausting!

About a year before Kai died my spiritual mom passed away from cancer leaving dad infant lossand a bunch of new sisters to grieve together.  Dad encouraged me to read Finding God by Dr. Larry Crabb.  My dad met me in my devastation, my overwhelming loss.  The closest I can come to describing the pain of losing my child is to picture the removal of every bone in your body. Now be your old self walking.  You can’t! 

Dr. Crabb met me too.  Throughout the pages of his book he described my pain.  He understood my fear that God didn’t love me.  He identified with me in my anger and anguish. He asked me to grapple with whether or not God is good? He even helped me to understand my two friends.  He writes in his book,

“Modern Christians are presented with two options for dealing with our lives: Either we can understand how our souls have been wounded and how to receive God’s healing nourishment, or we can obey God as a stern uninvolved father, and never tell him how bad we hurt. Either our hurt is the point, or it is no point at all. Either our needs matter more than anything else, or it is wrong even to mention them.

We need a third way of handling our lives- a way that combines a passionate sensitivity to our deepest struggles with a tender insistence that something matters more than how we feel.  It is healthy to face the pain in our souls, to feel bad when others violate our dignity, to admit to ourselves how desperately we long to feel loved and valued and accepted as we are.  But, in the middle of all this, we need to remember that the point of Christianity is not us, but God who cares for us.”

SO, I can’t quote the whole book, but I hope it intrigues you enough to read it.

giving babyGod met me in my grief.  As I trusted Him with my grief, He showed me that the reason why my friends hurt me so deeply was my expectations.  I expected my friends to love me more than they loved themselves.  We can’t expect that out of others; we are all broken people. They loved me the way they made sense of their hurts, and that didn’t work for me.  I needed God. In my world there wasn’t a rainbow, and I couldn’t just push through the pain. Ignoring the pain felt like I was dishonoring Kai’s memory.  He was a real person, who needed to be grieved, not forgotten.

God truly cares about our hurts, but the physical world that is broken by sin does not display His love for us.  God knew that nothing in all of creation would be good enough to show His love.  God sent himself to bring us back to himself. As I cried out to God to rescue me, He gently said, “I have. I gave you myself. I paid the price, so that you can enjoy my presence.” I realized I wanted God to protect me from everything that everyone else must endure because we still live in a world broken by sin.  Our bodies fail. Our minds fail. Our emotions lie to us. Our friends fail.  Parents fail. Children die. People hurt us. This world is broken that’s why Jesus reminds us that His kingdom is not of this world. I wanted His kingdom NOW. I’ve learned that there are some problems that will not be solved until heaven. When my friend looked at me and quoted the verse, “He gives beauty for ashes.” I no longer tried to be heard. I silently said in my heart, “Yes, He will, but right now, I literally have the ashes of my son in an urn. He hasn’t taken my ashes.” One day, I will stand with my son and worship the Risen Savior.

I have learned that I do not have to submit myself to the “fundamentalist who crushes the soul under proud obedience, and I don’t have to give into the illusion of life that honors the deadly virus of selfishness by calling it a different name. The first approach seems to imply that we pick ourselves up from where we have fallen by a mere act of will.  The second defines our helpless condition as morally excusable and therefore values God’s help above his mercy.”

Paul reminds us that nothing can separate us from the love of God.  What I missed is that I may have to face death.  I may be in trouble. I will face hardship and persecution and famine and nakedness and danger and sword. I may be delivered up as sheep to be slaughtered. Not because doesn’t love me, but because this world is broken. My Jesus has demonstrated his love for me that while I was still a sinner He died for me. I am an heir, co-heir with Christ, but I will indeed share in his sufferings in order that I may also share in his glory. Romans 8:17


Grief GOT HARD! So I stopped blogging for what… 3/4 years. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking about starting again for a long time now.  This journey of healing has been crazy.  I will blog about the deep grief and recovery later, but in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve worked on a piece titled Unloved.


From my earliest memories, I felt unloved.  I remember thinking maybe I was simply unlovable.  There’s just something about me that people can’t love.  When Kai died, I thought his death meant God didn’t love me.  Feeling unloved is part of the fall.  If you, like me, have felt unloved, you are NOT ALONE.  We all seek to fill this void with everything except The One Who is Love.

1 John 4:8 … God is love.

Leah is the most famous unloved women.  Her story with her husband, Jacob, is recorded in Genesis 29-33.  Jacob is a scoundrel, deceiver, and thief, but chosen by God.  He is fleeing for his life after conniving with his mother to steal the firstborn’s blessing. Prince Charming, he was not.  In Jacob’s mad dash out the house, his mother commanded him to hide out with her brother Laban.

Jacob obeys his mom.  On his way to Laban’s house, he meets Laban’s second daughter, Rachel.  Infatuation infects Jacob; he was in lust.  To move the story along, Jacob meets Laban, and agrees to work for his uncle.  His uncle wants to pay him and asks his price.  Jacob wants to marry Rachel because she is beautiful, but Leah, the older sister, had “weak eyes”.  Scholars have written quite a bit about what this means, and not all of them agree.  However, we can assume that her eyes were unattractive and were mentioned as a detriment to her looks in contrast to her sister’s “beautiful form.” Jacob works for seven years to earn Rachel.

“Give me my wife.  My time is completed, and I want to

make love to her.”    Jacob said to Laban. Genesis 29:21

-There’s nothing I can say about that.-

Laban calls everyone together for a marriage feast.  That night he sends Leah into the marriage tent instead of Rachel, and Jacob seals the marriage.  He wakes up the next morning angry at Laban for the trickery, but Laban says, “Our custom is for the oldest to be married first and then the youngest.  Work another seven years and I will give you Rachel.” Jacob agrees.  He finishes out the Leah and Rachelfirst week-long honey moon with Leah, and then Rachel was given to Jacob.  The Bible is not specific, but it reads as if Leah got one week before she had to share her husband with her sister.  Then, “When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless.”

Leah gives birth to three sons.  Each time she believes that her husband will love her and become attached to her. The first son is named Reuben likely because it sounds like the Hebrew word for he has seen my misery. Then comes Simeon which sounds like and may be derived from the Hebrew word for one who hears.  The last one is named Levi which sounds like and may be derived from the Hebrew word for attached.  Although in each of these names Leah is struggling to understand God as the one who sees her misery and the one who hears her, her focus is still Jacob.

Tragically, we are all like Leah.  We seek love from other people who are looking to us to love them.  The deadly cycle of needy broken people needing needy broken people is born.  We insist that there must be a way to find love and make life work by affection, achievement, acceptance, affirmation, addiction… the list is very long. Eventually, we realize that no one or thing provides us the love we need.

What are we to do? Counseling is an option.  It is good to help identify the traumatic events that left us vulnerable to victimhood.  However, Christian counseling too often encourages us to get in touch with those feelings of being unlovable, and uses the love of rainbowsJesus to overcome them.  Some may even tell us to pick our “thing” that shows us that God loves us. I’ve heard of everything from pink skies to picturesque deer feeding in a field (mine was a rainbow).  The Suffering Savior is reduced to an inspiring symbol that helps us realize our worth.  Would Jesus go through being mocked, spit on, flogged, and killed, so that we can develop a good self-image? We look to God, not to find Him, but to use him!  We are exploiting Jesus!

The power of the cross lies in the undivorceable marriage of repentance and restoration.

We can face the evil traumatic events in our lives that produced the feelings of being unloved in us.  Let us repent, meaning that we will declare those events as evil and sinful.  We agree with the Lord! For us they are under the blood!  The perpetrator now owns his/her sin, not us! We are now responsible for the selfish acts that we did in our quest to be loved.  We are not worthy of this amazing gift of forgiveness.

“We all like sheep have gone astray,

Each of us has turned to our own way;

And the LORD has laid on him the

Iniquity of us all.”   Isaiah 53:6

This is the beauty of the substitutionary death of Jesus on the cross.  While we were sinners, God demonstrated his love for us by sending Jesus to die for us.  Sometimes I feel ugly because I was behaving ugly!  I know the nasty feelings of jealousy and envy, and I feel worthless.  I don’t feel beautiful when anger and strife are having their way with my words.  We know that we are not always worthy and beautiful, so I’m not going to trick myself into feeling worthy and beautiful.  The Cross of Jesus frees me from these unfair expectations.  Read Romans 7 and 8.  It frees you too.

Let’s go back to Leah’s story.  She again conceives and gives birth to a fourth son, but this time she declares, “This time I will praise the LORD.” Then she stopped having chilLeahdren.  Praise and love flow over us, when we realize how unworthy we are for God’s amazing love!  There is nothing in us and there is nothing that we can do or not do to make God love us any more or less than He does.  Jacob’s dysfunctional family displays God’s grace that is available to each of our dysfunctional families.

Isn’t He Beautiful?

Bitten… but not devoured.


“I am leaving you with a gift- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27

I have been pondering the darkness. We use this term in so many ways, but as I have sat in my darkness, the Lord opened my eyes to a few things. He created the darkness too. Genesis records that “God made two great lights- the greater light to have dominion over the day and the lesser light to have dominion over the night- as well as the stars.” God has authority over the darkness. I read somewhere once that there is nothing that can overtake you that God has not allowed.

Think of the night and the moon. Close your eyes and see God’s created time for rest. Every day, He has ordained a time for us to lie down, release the cares of the day, and sleep, unafraid of the night. What if the very darkness we face is an ordained time for us to learn to rest in God? Would knowing that God still has authority over darkness, change how we Trust Him and experience His gift of peace? The Moon for me has become the physical reminder that God has dominion over the darkness.Eve Crushing

Peace. As I was waking up one morning, I heard this, “Bitten, but not devoured.” I’m fixin’ to get a little crazy because maybe the Spirit was speaking to me. Never have I felt such peace fall on me. In my last post, I gave you a glimpse into the depth of my darkness, that’s where I went to sleep, but that is not where I woke up.

I felt like God was saying, “Yes, Satan bit you. I can see the teeth marks on your leg. But YOU.. ARE.. NOT..devoured. I still have you in the palm of my hand.” God is Light and there is no darkness in Him. We have to believe this to experience victory in this life. None. Zilch. There is no darkness in Him. He rules over the darkness, and “In Christ Jesus” you have victory over whatever you are facing. It’s not a feeling, it’s a truth you must believe.


Christy Nockels’, “Healing Is in Your Hands” has ministered to me because she leaves nothing out. Our victory is found only in the Lord Jesus. God never denies that we need healing. He doesn’t tell is to figure it out. Or the worst, “I’m holding it all together.” He designed us to walk with Him in the garden in the coolness of the evening. He never wanted us to be alone.

In Genesis, God said to the Serpent, “I will put hostility between you and the woman, and your seed and her seed. You will crush his heel, but He will crush your head.” Matthew records for us the ultimate scene of darkness, the Cross. At noon until three darkness covered the whole land. Then Jesus cries out, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” Then some men offered Jesus some sour wine. Jesus shouted again with a loud voice and gave up His spirit.

Darkness. But what amazing things was God, the Father, accomplishing in that darkness through Jesus, His Son. It looked like Satan might triumph.  Jesus buried in a tomb!

But Resurrection Sunday came, right on time! And with it, Jesus crushed Satan’s head, secured our forgiveness, and released our healing.

Death has been swallowed up in victory.

O Death, where is your victory?

O Death, where is your sting?

Now the sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! Therefore, my dear brothers (and sisters), be steadfast, immovable, always excelling in the Lord’s work, knowing that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1Corinthians 15:54b-58

So I reiterate my questions at the beginning, What if the very darkness we face is an ordained time for us to learn to rest in God? Would knowing that God still has authority over darkness, change how we Trust Him and experience His gift of peace? Honestly, I don’t know everything that God is doing in my darkness, maybe a thousand things, but I can claim that He is teaching me to BELIEVE… even when it looks like evil might triumph. There are sicknesses that end in the death, but death has lost it’s victory over the Believer. Some Believers are holding chains and keeping secrets, but the truth is that these chains and secrets have no power over them. The power of sin is broken.

My dear friend, we are more than conquerors in Him. Know that today you are blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavens in Christ; for He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, to he holy and blameless in His sight. In love, He predestined us to be adopted through Jesus Christ for Himself, according to His favor and will, to the praise of His glorious grace that He favored us with in the Beloved. Ephesians 1:3-6.