She’s not one of us

tracks 2

Getting off the school bus, she was sure to walk a few steps behind the group of pretty girls, not wanting them to notice her.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words kill.”

She knew her place.

As she crossed over to the other side of the tracks, she wondered what it would be like to own a new dress with a matching Jo-Jo bow.

Dressed in her brother’s hand-me-down jeans that never seemed to fit right, she walked on dreading the evening routine: help with little sister’s homework, get the house clean, make dinner, hope mom doesn’t get mad and yell, smile pretty, maybe dad will notice.  Just maybe today her parents will acknowledge how hard she’s working for their approval.

We all long for significance.  Desiring to be the one on top, we like to break society into classes.  Although, in America these classes are more fluid, let us not be blind to ethnic, economic, and social barriers that we created to find value and significance at the expense of other image bearers.  This man-made significance never satisfies our need.

We can mine the Bible for a rich treasure trove of truth.  God has no favorites.  He does not love the rich more, giving them more for their comfort.  He does not love the poor less, causing them to suffer because of laziness.  He doesn’t favor one skin tone over another.  He doesn’t create girls to be taken advantage of by men. We live in a world broken by sin, plagued by suffering, and characterized by the strong taking from the weak, but this is not God’s desire.


The very sin that breaks our hearts and self-image broke Jesus Christ’s body on the cross!

Romans 2:11-11 but glory, honor, and peace for everyone who does good, first for the Jew, then for the Greek. For God does not show favoritism.   All who sin apart from the Law will also perish apart from the Law, and all who sin under the Law will be judged by the Law.

Deuteronomy 10:17
“For the LORD your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God who does not show partiality nor take a bribe.

cross

Job 34:19
Who shows no partiality to princes Nor regards the rich above the poor, For they all are the work of His hands?

Acts 10:34
Then Peter began to speak: “I now truly understand that God does not show favoritism,

Romans 9:14
What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Absolutely not!

There are so many more verses!

The ground at the foot of the Cross is level.  If I know this to be true, why do I still struggle to find significance in the world?  Why do I still compare myself to others?  Why aren’t others struggling like me with finances, self-worth, disobedient children… the list can go on and on.  In short, a soft prosperity gospel has invaded the church.  Some-where along the way, we began to believe that being co-heirs with Christ means that we should never suffer, but that God will give us every desire of our hearts.  We missed the Bible’s message about suffering.

In Romans 8:17 Paul writes, “and if children, also heirs, heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, seeing that we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.”  Paul’s encouragement to us, is not that we won’t suffer, but suffering will never separate us from God’s love.  We are called, justified, glorified.  It’s not that we will never be afflicted, be anguished, be persecuted, be hungry, be naked, in danger, face the sword, or face death.  These things do not separate us from His love.

The soft prosperity gospel says, “#BLESSED, #tooblessedtobestressed.”

You have to read this article. It may hurt, but repentance frees us! Grace covers us!

How God Saved Me From The Prosperity Gospel

Before my son died, I didn’t even recognize how the soft prosperity gospel blinded me and my circle of friends.  Its influence is so subtle.  Like the author in the above article, I didn’t see it until my faith stopped making sense.  I was #blessed, so why is all this happening.  We were losing everything: Kai, house, job, friends, and church.

I faced the truth that God never promises to rescue us from the situations of earthly life that sin causes or the brokenness that follows.  Even when we ask for forgiveness, we experience the earthly consequences of sin. Read King David’s story in 2 Samuel 12:10.

We naturally gravitate towards teachers that inspire and make us feel good about ourselves.   We want to be told that we are basically OK.  Yeah, bad things happened to us, but now we are powerful and we can tell our story!  We are worthy and beautiful.  We prefer a feel good self-empowerment gospel.  After all, we want to be satisfied with our station life.  We’ve worked hard to be significant or find significance in the bad things that have happened.  We’ve exchanged the God of the Bible for therapeutic moralistic deism.  Peter says, “For uttering bombastic empty words, they seduce, by fleshly desires and debauchery… They promise freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption, since people are enslaved to whatever defeats them.”

Jesus teaches that his kingdom is not of this world.  To be first we must be the servant of all.  The way that leads to destruction is broad.  The road that leads to righteousness is straight and the gate is narrow.  The righteous will be persecuted.  Almost everything he teaches is the opposite of our natural inclinations, including suffering.

Peter writes, “but even if you should suffer for righteousness, you are blessed” II Peter 3:14.  Would we write #blessed after Herod chopped off John the Baptist’s head? What about Stephen who was stoned for preaching the gospel? Priscilla and Aquila started three churches, but were kicked out of their hometown.  The Apostle Paul says that he was overwhelmed with fears on the inside and outside.  Blessed?

The rain falls on the just and the unjust Matthew 5:45.  All of us would like the right amount of rain at just the right time to fall for our greatest comfort.  Some of us are poor, some of us have endured abuse, some of us are plagued by tragedy, and some of us have too many children, while others are infertile.  How can we know who is loved? 

All of us! Jesus loved the whole world, and gave his life for all of us!

Revelation 3:20 Listen! I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and have dinner with him, and he will me.”

The Lord has prepared a wedding feast for his Bride. He calls all to come and eat with him, making no accommodations for rich or poor, abused or abuser, skin color, young or old.  He simply calls everyone to repentance, not wanting anyone to perish, but wanting all to be saved. He wants to walk with us through all of life’s moments. Earth is not Heaven!

Does God love me?

When Kai died, the trauma of loss and grief overwhelmed me in torrents of pain and mom n childsadness. At times the pain grew so intense, it left me gasping for breath. I was drowning in sorrow.  How could a God who says He loves me, let me go through this?  Isn’t He all powerful?  Isn’t He good?  There’s no darkness in Him, right? My pain exposed my broken places.  My conclusion was that God didn’t love me.  I wasn’t one of the “chosen” because surely His “chosen” would be protected from such evil.

A friend was trying to encourage me. She said to pick something to remind me that God loves me.  I did.  I appropriated God’s rainbow of promise that He would never flood the world again to show His love for me.  Now, I see my arrogance.  The animists believe that they can manipulate their circumstances with the physical world.  My world became more about a rainbow than faith in Jesus.  Faith is believing without seeing.  I’ve blogged about my devastation over my husband getting to see a rainbow, while I was in a meeting that Rainbow Selfieemotionally I could barely sit through.  The problem with “pick your thing” is the LORD created the rainbow for His purposes.  The pink skies belong to Him and declare His glory, not His love for me.  “Pick your thing” is man-centric.  What happens to me when I desperately need reassurance of God’s love, and it’s storming? There’s no pink sky, no rainbows, and no prancing deer. Nature is what nature is.

Another friend encouraged me to “push through.”  She kept saying, “Let go, let God.”  “God’s got this!”  I looked at her and said, “This is what you say to someone who can’t breathe?”  She simply said yes and kept talking, saying how everyone needed me to push through because they needed me to be O.K.  Even she needed me to be O.K. Although, she was trying to help, what she did was deny my pain.  Frustrated and overwhelmed, I finally asked her to stop talking because she was hurting me.  The next morning her husband told me to apologize to her for being harsh with her.  Again, denying my pain in my time of need. Later, this couple condemned me for not grieving with them.  Desperately, I tried to point out the duplicity of expecting me to start acting like the “old Matthea”, while exposing them to my grief.  They just sat there saying “No. No. No.” Unfortunately, we were unable to resolve the break in relationship.

I cried out to the Lord in my anguish, believing in His power to heal, even if He didn’t love me.  What I now know is that my grief journey followed a similar path of most.  In the beginning, I was almost numb.  I went through the motions of the funeral and trying to get back to my old life, but I couldn’t sleep.  My lack of sleep alone could account for some of my anguish.  Grieving is exhausting!

About a year before Kai died my spiritual mom passed away from cancer leaving dad infant lossand a bunch of new sisters to grieve together.  Dad encouraged me to read Finding God by Dr. Larry Crabb.  My dad met me in my devastation, my overwhelming loss.  The closest I can come to describing the pain of losing my child is to picture the removal of every bone in your body. Now be your old self walking.  You can’t! 

Dr. Crabb met me too.  Throughout the pages of his book he described my pain.  He understood my fear that God didn’t love me.  He identified with me in my anger and anguish. He asked me to grapple with whether or not God is good? He even helped me to understand my two friends.  He writes in his book,

“Modern Christians are presented with two options for dealing with our lives: Either we can understand how our souls have been wounded and how to receive God’s healing nourishment, or we can obey God as a stern uninvolved father, and never tell him how bad we hurt. Either our hurt is the point, or it is no point at all. Either our needs matter more than anything else, or it is wrong even to mention them.

We need a third way of handling our lives- a way that combines a passionate sensitivity to our deepest struggles with a tender insistence that something matters more than how we feel.  It is healthy to face the pain in our souls, to feel bad when others violate our dignity, to admit to ourselves how desperately we long to feel loved and valued and accepted as we are.  But, in the middle of all this, we need to remember that the point of Christianity is not us, but God who cares for us.”

SO, I can’t quote the whole book, but I hope it intrigues you enough to read it.

giving babyGod met me in my grief.  As I trusted Him with my grief, He showed me that the reason why my friends hurt me so deeply was my expectations.  I expected my friends to love me more than they loved themselves.  We can’t expect that out of others; we are all broken people. They loved me the way they made sense of their hurts, and that didn’t work for me.  I needed God. In my world there wasn’t a rainbow, and I couldn’t just push through the pain. Ignoring the pain felt like I was dishonoring Kai’s memory.  He was a real person, who needed to be grieved, not forgotten.

God truly cares about our hurts, but the physical world that is broken by sin does not display His love for us.  God knew that nothing in all of creation would be good enough to show His love.  God sent himself to bring us back to himself. As I cried out to God to rescue me, He gently said, “I have. I gave you myself. I paid the price, so that you can enjoy my presence.” I realized I wanted God to protect me from everything that everyone else must endure because we still live in a world broken by sin.  Our bodies fail. Our minds fail. Our emotions lie to us. Our friends fail.  Parents fail. Children die. People hurt us. This world is broken that’s why Jesus reminds us that His kingdom is not of this world. I wanted His kingdom NOW. I’ve learned that there are some problems that will not be solved until heaven. When my friend looked at me and quoted the verse, “He gives beauty for ashes.” I no longer tried to be heard. I silently said in my heart, “Yes, He will, but right now, I literally have the ashes of my son in an urn. He hasn’t taken my ashes.” One day, I will stand with my son and worship the Risen Savior.

I have learned that I do not have to submit myself to the “fundamentalist who crushes the soul under proud obedience, and I don’t have to give into the illusion of life that honors the deadly virus of selfishness by calling it a different name. The first approach seems to imply that we pick ourselves up from where we have fallen by a mere act of will.  The second defines our helpless condition as morally excusable and therefore values God’s help above his mercy.”

Paul reminds us that nothing can separate us from the love of God.  What I missed is that I may have to face death.  I may be in trouble. I will face hardship and persecution and famine and nakedness and danger and sword. I may be delivered up as sheep to be slaughtered. Not because doesn’t love me, but because this world is broken. My Jesus has demonstrated his love for me that while I was still a sinner He died for me. I am an heir, co-heir with Christ, but I will indeed share in his sufferings in order that I may also share in his glory. Romans 8:17

Bitten… but not devoured.

Moon

“I am leaving you with a gift- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27

I have been pondering the darkness. We use this term in so many ways, but as I have sat in my darkness, the Lord opened my eyes to a few things. He created the darkness too. Genesis records that “God made two great lights- the greater light to have dominion over the day and the lesser light to have dominion over the night- as well as the stars.” God has authority over the darkness. I read somewhere once that there is nothing that can overtake you that God has not allowed.

Think of the night and the moon. Close your eyes and see God’s created time for rest. Every day, He has ordained a time for us to lie down, release the cares of the day, and sleep, unafraid of the night. What if the very darkness we face is an ordained time for us to learn to rest in God? Would knowing that God still has authority over darkness, change how we Trust Him and experience His gift of peace? The Moon for me has become the physical reminder that God has dominion over the darkness.Eve Crushing

Peace. As I was waking up one morning, I heard this, “Bitten, but not devoured.” I’m fixin’ to get a little crazy because maybe the Spirit was speaking to me. Never have I felt such peace fall on me. In my last post, I gave you a glimpse into the depth of my darkness, that’s where I went to sleep, but that is not where I woke up.

I felt like God was saying, “Yes, Satan bit you. I can see the teeth marks on your leg. But YOU.. ARE.. NOT..devoured. I still have you in the palm of my hand.” God is Light and there is no darkness in Him. We have to believe this to experience victory in this life. None. Zilch. There is no darkness in Him. He rules over the darkness, and “In Christ Jesus” you have victory over whatever you are facing. It’s not a feeling, it’s a truth you must believe.

NO LOSS

Christy Nockels’, “Healing Is in Your Hands” has ministered to me because she leaves nothing out. Our victory is found only in the Lord Jesus. God never denies that we need healing. He doesn’t tell is to figure it out. Or the worst, “I’m holding it all together.” He designed us to walk with Him in the garden in the coolness of the evening. He never wanted us to be alone.

In Genesis, God said to the Serpent, “I will put hostility between you and the woman, and your seed and her seed. You will crush his heel, but He will crush your head.” Matthew records for us the ultimate scene of darkness, the Cross. At noon until three darkness covered the whole land. Then Jesus cries out, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” Then some men offered Jesus some sour wine. Jesus shouted again with a loud voice and gave up His spirit.

Darkness. But what amazing things was God, the Father, accomplishing in that darkness through Jesus, His Son. It looked like Satan might triumph.  Jesus buried in a tomb!

But Resurrection Sunday came, right on time! And with it, Jesus crushed Satan’s head, secured our forgiveness, and released our healing.

Death has been swallowed up in victory.

O Death, where is your victory?

O Death, where is your sting?

Now the sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! Therefore, my dear brothers (and sisters), be steadfast, immovable, always excelling in the Lord’s work, knowing that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1Corinthians 15:54b-58

So I reiterate my questions at the beginning, What if the very darkness we face is an ordained time for us to learn to rest in God? Would knowing that God still has authority over darkness, change how we Trust Him and experience His gift of peace? Honestly, I don’t know everything that God is doing in my darkness, maybe a thousand things, but I can claim that He is teaching me to BELIEVE… even when it looks like evil might triumph. There are sicknesses that end in the death, but death has lost it’s victory over the Believer. Some Believers are holding chains and keeping secrets, but the truth is that these chains and secrets have no power over them. The power of sin is broken.

My dear friend, we are more than conquerors in Him. Know that today you are blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavens in Christ; for He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, to he holy and blameless in His sight. In love, He predestined us to be adopted through Jesus Christ for Himself, according to His favor and will, to the praise of His glorious grace that He favored us with in the Beloved. Ephesians 1:3-6.