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June 20, 2014 started out beautiful. Excitement filled the air as we put the infant carrier in the van, loaded our four other children in to take them to summer camp. Plagued by intermittent contractions for two days, I knew today would be the day. We would go to the doctor, and she would send us to the hospital to welcome our fourth boy into our arms.

My husband and I sat waiting for the doctor, sharing our laughter. Then the most terrible thing I could even imagine happened. There was no heart beat. An ultrasound confirmed Kai had died in my womb. Many things ran through my mind quickly. The most important at the time was caring for my whole family. My children were anxiously awaiting another brother. They had packed. They had prepared.

Back in the van. God spoke quietly to my heart. Decide. “Decide, this moment, will you let me be God in this moment? Or will you allow your heart to harden, and allow the root of anger and bitterness fertile ground?”

Will you believe in the God who commands even the winds and the waves? This thought of Even this… is expanded in this blog post.

In that moment I said yes. God began to unfold His truths in my life. The phrase common to man brought comfort. Although, devastating, I was walking a well worn path of many woman before me. What was common to woman was happening to me.

No where in the Bible could I find a promise that said, “Because you have done everything right and obeyed all God’s laws, you are safe from what you find most terrifying.” What I did find was Matthew 5:3-12.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

In the kingdom of God what is up is down. What is down is up. In every single verse the human mind says the exact opposite of what God promises. Now don’t get me wrong. Did I say that you will leap for joy and be giddy in grief? Not at first. God said to me, “In your grief, don’t lose sight of the fact that you are blessed.”

Do you need to remind yourself to view your situation through God’s perspective not man’s? Your situation is different, but pain is pain. Grief is grief. In this moment, trust God. Don’t worry about the next one until it comes.

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