The evil in us

The school shooting demonstrates how broken this world is. Although, at times in human history, we have been able to restrain man’s evil heart by cultural means, however, sin remained. Women were less than men. Racism in all its evil pride lurks in our hearts and institutions. Sure, the Greatest Generation sounds great on paper for some. We didn’t have mass murders in schools, but let’s not gloss over that every generation has tried to restrain evil and failed.

I can’t imagine the grief these parents will have to walk through. Remember, picture the parents, then remove all their bones, and tell them to walk. They can’t, but some-how grieving parents find a way to keep going. Have you ever noticed, there isn’t a name for grieving parents? We have orphans and widows and widowers, but there isn’t a word for grieving parents. For these parents and this community the devastation has just begun.

I think about the shooter and what has come out about his life. When is the church going to take back it’s God given mandate to care for the fatherless and stop relying solely on foster care. I remember reading a startling statistic that if every church came together, chose a family to support (financially, socially, etc.), and adopted one orphan, we wouldn’t have any need for orphanages.  We are the royal priest hood. God’s chosen ambassadors to the world to make disciples. This mandate costs, but for some of us we don’t see ourselves as chosen for anything.

At first, thinking about what I have been through pales in comparison to Parkland, but whatever rejection and devastation we have endured is big to us. I am overwhelmed by God’s truth that He accepted me.  I have been verbally abused and mocked by a caregiver that should have loved me.  I have been physically abused by a boyfriend that said he wanted to marry me.  I have been rejected by friends that said they stood with me, only to reject my grief. I have done destructive things to myself and others. We all have our sad stories of rejection and destruction, but when I think about what Jesus endured for us, it doesn’t compare.

I am accepted because He was rejected.

The Bible clearly records that before the creation of the world God knew that Jesus would have to be sacrificed to restore creation.  I can’t imagine setting out to create something that I knew would fail me, but God loves us that much.  He didn’t make us robots that had no choice but to mindlessly obey him.  This opened the world up to all kinds of evil.  Ever since Adam and Eve took the first bite of the forbidden fruit, humans have been destroying one another.

I was in a small group of believers that were seeking to be healed from past hurts.  One of the believers said, “I don’t understand how God can be good, and sit back a let me as a little innocent child endure sexual abuse?  I’m angry at God!”  We sit back and ask how could God allow mass school shootings. When God allowed humans to choose Him, He allowed us to choose to sin against him and sin against one another.  The truth is, we love being able to choose.  We hate when others choose to be selfish and hurt us, but we don’t like being told what to do.  Some would call this a conundrum.

On one hand we hate evil, but we seem to keep choosing to be evil.

Maybe some of us can’t identify with the example of childhood sexual abuse, but we are all devastated by another mass school shooting. And personally, we all have been rejected or made to feel worthless at one time or another.

The explosive thought I had is that God can relate to us.  Jesus, who being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage rather he humbled himself into the womb of a teenage girl.  He became a baby, dependent on one of his creations to do everything for him. He took on flesh knowing that he would then humble himself again by becoming obedient to death on the cross.  We skipped over that He knew that the very people he came to save would reject him. Oh, and one of his twelve closest friends would betray him, giving him up to be killed by the religious authorities.

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.  Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.  Surely, he took up our pain and bore our suffering yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him and afflicted.  But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:3-6

The punishment that brings us peace was on him. My favorite passage that I could quote at the end of every post is Ephesians 1:3-8. The key words in that passage are “in Him”.  Our peace, forgiveness, acceptance, worth, everything begins and ends with “in Him”.  In a culture that is “me” obsessed this doesn’t make any sense to us in the beginning.  We seek to find ourselves and heal our self-image.  In vain, we try harder to be better and achieve more.  These things always leave us needing more.  Some of us look at the drug addict without realizing that we can be just as addicted to acceptance by whatever means we are searching for it: religion, success, self-image, Christian service.  Yes, we can even use the church to bolster our-self-image and worth.  We are using religion or Christian service like some use success or drugs to feel acceptable or worthy.

We must face the truth that there is nothing that we can do or not do to be acceptable to God.  There is nothing that can be done to us or for us that makes us worthy or worthless. 

Our good works are like filthy rags.  Unless our righteousness exceeds the most righteous person we know, we will not be accepted.  Maybe now our pride is beginning to expand with all the times we did the right thing.  However, it is impossible to go through this life without becoming angry or lusting for love from someone.  Let’s face it, we can’t go through the normal crazy feelings of puberty without sinning.  In the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, Jesus reveals the truth of our desperate situation.  He demonstrates that man is unable to keep all of God’s law thereby making them unworthy.

At this point some of us are pulling out our salvation as a badge.  But how do we live?  What situations make us feel rejected?  Where are gaining value?  What makes us feel worth or worthless? What is the motivation for our good works? Why are we nice to people?  Sometimes our motivation is to win the praise of men so that we feel good about who we are. There are too many situations where we wrongly use religion, success, or self-worth to go into detail about all of them.

I want to focus our attention on the Beginning and the End.  Without being “in Him” we are unacceptable.  We are on unworthy on our own. Righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  God gave us Jesus as a sacrifice, the reparation for our unacceptable deeds, to be received by faith. This faith in the finished work of the cross makes us acceptable to God.  Why do we continually struggle with feelings of being unaccepted or unworthy?

The first reason may be unconfessed sin.  A sweet girl in my life submitted her will and life to God, but she thought she could make confession to God alone.  She continued to struggle in self-doubt because she needed to make confession to the other people that she sinned against. James 5:13 says to confess our sins to one another so that we can be healed.  Only fools mock at making amends for sin, but good will is found among the upright, Proverbs 14:9.  When we make confession to the ones we’ve hurt, we begin repairing the relationship.  When relationships are broken we feel rejection.  Confession clears those feelings giving way for us to accept one another and we can feel God’s acceptance.  The problem does not begin with God’s acceptance, our feelings are clouding God’s truth in our lives.

Secondly, we have a real adversary.  The Evil One roams this earth looking for whom he may devour.  Jesus calls him the Accuser of the Brethren.  Do you feel accused?  The difference between conviction and condemnation is found here.  The Accuser of the Brethren will make you feel frightened, confused, obsessed, depressed, and rushed.  The only way to beat him is to draw close to God and he will flee from you.  How do we draw close to God?  We know His truth.  What makes you acceptable, JESUS.  How are you forgiven, JESUS!  It’s JESUS, JESUS, JESUS!  Making confession to God and those we have hurt will combat all the nasty feelings that we feel when we are accused.  We simply will not have anything for the Evil One to use.

Thirdly, holding on to past hurts that violated us as Image Bearers keeps us feeling worthless and shamed.  At some point in our lives, we got the message that bad things would not have happened to me if I was worth more.  This is a lie.  When someone harms another person, they are selfishly taking what does not belong to them.  This is another blog post to come, but God does not make different classes of people.  We are all equally image bearers.  The Bible contains a treasury of verses teaching that God does not have favorites.  He does not make “throw away girls” and “good girls”.  He creates every girl to be loved and cherished, imbuing each of us with value because He created us to belong to Him.  I have felt like a “throw away girl.” I found freedom in declaring that the abuse I suffered is sin.  I agreed with God (repented).  I released the abuse and the abuser to be judge by God, therefore, I can stop judging myself as worth-less than the abuser or others who have not been abused.  We are equal in God’s sight.  We are “sheep that have gone astray each of us to our own way.”  There is nothing in us that deserved to be harmed, rather, we each have free will.  We can freely choose to follow God, or we can freely choose to harm others to fulfill our selfish desires.  Abuse is about the abuser not the innocent.  Now, we can face the aftermath of the abuse.  Many of us begin to self-abuse.  Hand in hand, repentance and forgiveness, we go back to my first point and ask God to forgive us because we have self-abused.  We’ve damaged ourselves.  We need to repair the relationship with ourselves.

Conviction is a good feeling leading us to grace. Condemnation makes us feel hopeless.  We never enter a time of confession without Jesus’s grace.  The price has been paid.  We have no fear in uncovering our hurts or bad deeds before our God.  Freedom is found in repentance.  Holding on to our sin is like playing tug-of-war.  As long as the people on each end of the rope are tugging, we are at war.  We let go of our end of the rope by making confession and forgiving those who have hurt us. No matter how hard they may tug on their end, if we’ve released ours, the war is over.  But until we have released the rope, we are still a prisoner of war.  If this seems too difficult to do that’s because we must move from a place of power to confessing we are powerless.

Does God love me?

When Kai died, the trauma of loss and grief overwhelmed me in torrents of pain and mom n childsadness. At times the pain grew so intense, it left me gasping for breath. I was drowning in sorrow.  How could a God who says He loves me, let me go through this?  Isn’t He all powerful?  Isn’t He good?  There’s no darkness in Him, right? My pain exposed my broken places.  My conclusion was that God didn’t love me.  I wasn’t one of the “chosen” because surely His “chosen” would be protected from such evil.

A friend was trying to encourage me. She said to pick something to remind me that God loves me.  I did.  I appropriated God’s rainbow of promise that He would never flood the world again to show His love for me.  Now, I see my arrogance.  The animists believe that they can manipulate their circumstances with the physical world.  My world became more about a rainbow than faith in Jesus.  Faith is believing without seeing.  I’ve blogged about my devastation over my husband getting to see a rainbow, while I was in a meeting that Rainbow Selfieemotionally I could barely sit through.  The problem with “pick your thing” is the LORD created the rainbow for His purposes.  The pink skies belong to Him and declare His glory, not His love for me.  “Pick your thing” is man-centric.  What happens to me when I desperately need reassurance of God’s love, and it’s storming? There’s no pink sky, no rainbows, and no prancing deer. Nature is what nature is.

Another friend encouraged me to “push through.”  She kept saying, “Let go, let God.”  “God’s got this!”  I looked at her and said, “This is what you say to someone who can’t breathe?”  She simply said yes and kept talking, saying how everyone needed me to push through because they needed me to be O.K.  Even she needed me to be O.K. Although, she was trying to help, what she did was deny my pain.  Frustrated and overwhelmed, I finally asked her to stop talking because she was hurting me.  The next morning her husband told me to apologize to her for being harsh with her.  Again, denying my pain in my time of need. Later, this couple condemned me for not grieving with them.  Desperately, I tried to point out the duplicity of expecting me to start acting like the “old Matthea”, while exposing them to my grief.  They just sat there saying “No. No. No.” Unfortunately, we were unable to resolve the break in relationship.

I cried out to the Lord in my anguish, believing in His power to heal, even if He didn’t love me.  What I now know is that my grief journey followed a similar path of most.  In the beginning, I was almost numb.  I went through the motions of the funeral and trying to get back to my old life, but I couldn’t sleep.  My lack of sleep alone could account for some of my anguish.  Grieving is exhausting!

About a year before Kai died my spiritual mom passed away from cancer leaving dad infant lossand a bunch of new sisters to grieve together.  Dad encouraged me to read Finding God by Dr. Larry Crabb.  My dad met me in my devastation, my overwhelming loss.  The closest I can come to describing the pain of losing my child is to picture the removal of every bone in your body. Now be your old self walking.  You can’t! 

Dr. Crabb met me too.  Throughout the pages of his book he described my pain.  He understood my fear that God didn’t love me.  He identified with me in my anger and anguish. He asked me to grapple with whether or not God is good? He even helped me to understand my two friends.  He writes in his book,

“Modern Christians are presented with two options for dealing with our lives: Either we can understand how our souls have been wounded and how to receive God’s healing nourishment, or we can obey God as a stern uninvolved father, and never tell him how bad we hurt. Either our hurt is the point, or it is no point at all. Either our needs matter more than anything else, or it is wrong even to mention them.

We need a third way of handling our lives- a way that combines a passionate sensitivity to our deepest struggles with a tender insistence that something matters more than how we feel.  It is healthy to face the pain in our souls, to feel bad when others violate our dignity, to admit to ourselves how desperately we long to feel loved and valued and accepted as we are.  But, in the middle of all this, we need to remember that the point of Christianity is not us, but God who cares for us.”

SO, I can’t quote the whole book, but I hope it intrigues you enough to read it.

giving babyGod met me in my grief.  As I trusted Him with my grief, He showed me that the reason why my friends hurt me so deeply was my expectations.  I expected my friends to love me more than they loved themselves.  We can’t expect that out of others; we are all broken people. They loved me the way they made sense of their hurts, and that didn’t work for me.  I needed God. In my world there wasn’t a rainbow, and I couldn’t just push through the pain. Ignoring the pain felt like I was dishonoring Kai’s memory.  He was a real person, who needed to be grieved, not forgotten.

God truly cares about our hurts, but the physical world that is broken by sin does not display His love for us.  God knew that nothing in all of creation would be good enough to show His love.  God sent himself to bring us back to himself. As I cried out to God to rescue me, He gently said, “I have. I gave you myself. I paid the price, so that you can enjoy my presence.” I realized I wanted God to protect me from everything that everyone else must endure because we still live in a world broken by sin.  Our bodies fail. Our minds fail. Our emotions lie to us. Our friends fail.  Parents fail. Children die. People hurt us. This world is broken that’s why Jesus reminds us that His kingdom is not of this world. I wanted His kingdom NOW. I’ve learned that there are some problems that will not be solved until heaven. When my friend looked at me and quoted the verse, “He gives beauty for ashes.” I no longer tried to be heard. I silently said in my heart, “Yes, He will, but right now, I literally have the ashes of my son in an urn. He hasn’t taken my ashes.” One day, I will stand with my son and worship the Risen Savior.

I have learned that I do not have to submit myself to the “fundamentalist who crushes the soul under proud obedience, and I don’t have to give into the illusion of life that honors the deadly virus of selfishness by calling it a different name. The first approach seems to imply that we pick ourselves up from where we have fallen by a mere act of will.  The second defines our helpless condition as morally excusable and therefore values God’s help above his mercy.”

Paul reminds us that nothing can separate us from the love of God.  What I missed is that I may have to face death.  I may be in trouble. I will face hardship and persecution and famine and nakedness and danger and sword. I may be delivered up as sheep to be slaughtered. Not because doesn’t love me, but because this world is broken. My Jesus has demonstrated his love for me that while I was still a sinner He died for me. I am an heir, co-heir with Christ, but I will indeed share in his sufferings in order that I may also share in his glory. Romans 8:17

Unloved

Grief GOT HARD! So I stopped blogging for what… 3/4 years. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking about starting again for a long time now.  This journey of healing has been crazy.  I will blog about the deep grief and recovery later, but in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve worked on a piece titled Unloved.

Unloved

From my earliest memories, I felt unloved.  I remember thinking maybe I was simply unlovable.  There’s just something about me that people can’t love.  When Kai died, I thought his death meant God didn’t love me.  Feeling unloved is part of the fall.  If you, like me, have felt unloved, you are NOT ALONE.  We all seek to fill this void with everything except The One Who is Love.

1 John 4:8 … God is love.

Leah is the most famous unloved women.  Her story with her husband, Jacob, is recorded in Genesis 29-33.  Jacob is a scoundrel, deceiver, and thief, but chosen by God.  He is fleeing for his life after conniving with his mother to steal the firstborn’s blessing. Prince Charming, he was not.  In Jacob’s mad dash out the house, his mother commanded him to hide out with her brother Laban.

Jacob obeys his mom.  On his way to Laban’s house, he meets Laban’s second daughter, Rachel.  Infatuation infects Jacob; he was in lust.  To move the story along, Jacob meets Laban, and agrees to work for his uncle.  His uncle wants to pay him and asks his price.  Jacob wants to marry Rachel because she is beautiful, but Leah, the older sister, had “weak eyes”.  Scholars have written quite a bit about what this means, and not all of them agree.  However, we can assume that her eyes were unattractive and were mentioned as a detriment to her looks in contrast to her sister’s “beautiful form.” Jacob works for seven years to earn Rachel.

“Give me my wife.  My time is completed, and I want to

make love to her.”    Jacob said to Laban. Genesis 29:21

-There’s nothing I can say about that.-

Laban calls everyone together for a marriage feast.  That night he sends Leah into the marriage tent instead of Rachel, and Jacob seals the marriage.  He wakes up the next morning angry at Laban for the trickery, but Laban says, “Our custom is for the oldest to be married first and then the youngest.  Work another seven years and I will give you Rachel.” Jacob agrees.  He finishes out the Leah and Rachelfirst week-long honey moon with Leah, and then Rachel was given to Jacob.  The Bible is not specific, but it reads as if Leah got one week before she had to share her husband with her sister.  Then, “When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless.”

Leah gives birth to three sons.  Each time she believes that her husband will love her and become attached to her. The first son is named Reuben likely because it sounds like the Hebrew word for he has seen my misery. Then comes Simeon which sounds like and may be derived from the Hebrew word for one who hears.  The last one is named Levi which sounds like and may be derived from the Hebrew word for attached.  Although in each of these names Leah is struggling to understand God as the one who sees her misery and the one who hears her, her focus is still Jacob.

Tragically, we are all like Leah.  We seek love from other people who are looking to us to love them.  The deadly cycle of needy broken people needing needy broken people is born.  We insist that there must be a way to find love and make life work by affection, achievement, acceptance, affirmation, addiction… the list is very long. Eventually, we realize that no one or thing provides us the love we need.

What are we to do? Counseling is an option.  It is good to help identify the traumatic events that left us vulnerable to victimhood.  However, Christian counseling too often encourages us to get in touch with those feelings of being unlovable, and uses the love of rainbowsJesus to overcome them.  Some may even tell us to pick our “thing” that shows us that God loves us. I’ve heard of everything from pink skies to picturesque deer feeding in a field (mine was a rainbow).  The Suffering Savior is reduced to an inspiring symbol that helps us realize our worth.  Would Jesus go through being mocked, spit on, flogged, and killed, so that we can develop a good self-image? We look to God, not to find Him, but to use him!  We are exploiting Jesus!

The power of the cross lies in the undivorceable marriage of repentance and restoration.

We can face the evil traumatic events in our lives that produced the feelings of being unloved in us.  Let us repent, meaning that we will declare those events as evil and sinful.  We agree with the Lord! For us they are under the blood!  The perpetrator now owns his/her sin, not us! We are now responsible for the selfish acts that we did in our quest to be loved.  We are not worthy of this amazing gift of forgiveness.

“We all like sheep have gone astray,

Each of us has turned to our own way;

And the LORD has laid on him the

Iniquity of us all.”   Isaiah 53:6

This is the beauty of the substitutionary death of Jesus on the cross.  While we were sinners, God demonstrated his love for us by sending Jesus to die for us.  Sometimes I feel ugly because I was behaving ugly!  I know the nasty feelings of jealousy and envy, and I feel worthless.  I don’t feel beautiful when anger and strife are having their way with my words.  We know that we are not always worthy and beautiful, so I’m not going to trick myself into feeling worthy and beautiful.  The Cross of Jesus frees me from these unfair expectations.  Read Romans 7 and 8.  It frees you too.

Let’s go back to Leah’s story.  She again conceives and gives birth to a fourth son, but this time she declares, “This time I will praise the LORD.” Then she stopped having chilLeahdren.  Praise and love flow over us, when we realize how unworthy we are for God’s amazing love!  There is nothing in us and there is nothing that we can do or not do to make God love us any more or less than He does.  Jacob’s dysfunctional family displays God’s grace that is available to each of our dysfunctional families.

Isn’t He Beautiful?

Bitten… but not devoured.

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Darkness

In the middle of darkness my hope remains.  I have come to identify with Noah. Imagine what the atmosphere was like to wake up day after day in the ark, a giant coffin covered in black tar floating on the waves of a world wide flood with no land or sun in sight. Bone deep darkness. Imagine the fierce storm with thunder, lightning, and maddening rain. My tears have come in violent storms, tossing my soul from side to side. Noah faced an unknown future. What was happening had never happened before in human history, much less Noah’s life.

I’ve written before that I’m walking a very familiar road to women, but I feel as if I’m in the ark with patchy sun, no land in sight, and a torrent of tears. Desperately, I prayed asking God for a rainbow just as He gave to Noah. A physical promise that He has not abandoned me. For 3 weeks I begged my Father, asking like the woman in Matthew 15:21-28, through her constant asking, moved Jesus to heal her daughter. I shared with my husband my request, and that’s where my story begins. Most share their moments of victory, but here is my moment of defeat…and I mean defeat. (Said loud and in the best southern voice you can muster.)

Rainbow Selfie

Warning Rainbow Selfie

Sitting in a meeting that I didn’t want to join, I received a text. “Here’s your rainbow. ”

And bless his heart, my sobbing response was, “That’s not my rainbow, it’s yours!” God sent my husband a rainbow, not me!!! I was able to keep control through the meeting and to my van before the storm of tears broke.

“Why does God hate me?” ran around my mind screaming… Have you been there? Devastated…  defeat attached himself to me. I couldn’t see the Son. I was drowning.

In grief, there isn’t much anyone can say that can encourage you. I went to sleep that night with one thought, I don’t want to give up, but let me reveal to you that I had no great promise to hold on to. No Word from the Lord. No dramatic feeling of I can go on.

Have you been here? I felt abandoned. Alone. Broken. That night I wasn’t sure what to even do next. The only thing I could do was put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. I’m not even sure if I was Trusting. I just didn’t turn back. My faith became like my breathing. Sometimes I forget to breath, and my autonomic system says, “Breath. Breath noW. BREATHE NOW!.” And finally, I will gasp and suck in air. I keep believing, just not as easily as I once did.

I leave you with this. Sometimes beautiful isn’t always pretty. James 1:12 “Blessed is the one who persevered under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” I am so thankful that there are no qualifiers with “having stood the test”. Or I’d be in trouble. Some days are great! Some days, I find myself in the battle to believe. Believe that God wants to love me.

Still My Soul Refused to Die

I’ve struggled with this post. Writing and re-writing, still not able to express what IKai hand‘m feeling. This life has taught me that everyone has a story. Most stories lead us to ask, “Why does God allow suffering?” I’ve been asking that for over a year now, and I want to share a thought. Well, not just the last year, if I’m honest, I have not led a charmed life. More on that later, but for now it’s surviving grief.

This time a year ago I conceived Kai, during a time of great trouble. September was the beginning of an episode where I watched my entire life be shaken and torn. My husband took a stand that led to a few influential people in our church asking for his resignation. Wow! That sentence makes it seem easy. It wasn’t. Three months of meeting after meeting where 3 or sometimes 4 men held the rest hostage. The only way forward was severing, cutting off, throwing away Jon’s ministry. Many have faced cut backs and lay offs these days, and they know the torturous stress these times bring. What about the house? Should we sell it now? Should we uproot and leave or wait on the Lord? Every day brought new stress and more false accusations. We stood, silent, waiting.

Meanwhile, I was watching my spiritual mom waste away from cancer. Visiting her once a week for a little while, I learned to empty a chest tube that relieved the build up of fluid on her lungs. She became like a child, needing constant attention. In those last days, I saw one of the strongest Christians I know have to moment by moment claim that truth of scripture as she faced death.

After burying one of the most significant women in my life, we returned to yet another meeting, another grilling session. My husband walked into his meeting. Me, 2 months pregnant, we faced the loss of our whole lives. 5 years of work gone. Our first house bought a mere 8 months ago, gone. Our community gone. Kids’ school gone. My job gone. What about health insurance? What about the baby? That meeting gave way to a final meeting of the entire church to decide our fate. Pain. Unadulterated pain.

We lived through it. Beaten, but we lived, waiting for the fall out. So many hurting lives because forgiveness is hard for humans to do. I wanted to give up. I wanted to leave. Escape to some quiet place, where I could heal. But that’s never been my calling. Stand up. Keep going. No time to stop.

All I wanted to do was sit on my front porch and enjoy my roses while holding my blessing. The little blessing that kept me holding on. My little Kai. I can not describe the devastation of holding him in death, and still my soul refused to die.

Why? Because all of creation groans under the weight of sin. Sin is still present and active today. Whether Believer or not we feel the effects: war, sickness, famine,… death. Here I sit with death in my very arms. My flesh failed. I have an empty cradle. Is every war the fault of the those who die? No. Is every sickness inflicted because it is deserved? No. Is every death the fault of the mommy who holds her child in her arms? No. No. No. In every situation, we cry out, “Save us! Save us!” And a loving Savior says, “I have.”

Remember, Jesus stepped out of heaven, submitting himself to a criminal’s death. Death on the cross, the electric chair of the ancient world.  Jesus did that to save our souls, not set up a kingdom on earth for us. Jesus’ closest followers the Disciples missed it too. They wanted him to throw off Roman occupation, and set himself up as king. But Jesus came for a greater work. He came to bring salvation to the whole world, and because of that we wait with the Lord as he does not delay His promise, but is patient, not wanting any to perish, but all to come to repentance. Until Jesus comes again all of humanity will continue to suffer death, war, sickness…etc.

How does this help me? I grieve like the women in all generations before me who have lost, but Jesus is still with me. Yes, I have wept, wailed, with my tears soaked the rug in the bathroom where my knees gave way in the pain of my loss. My heart is in pieces, but God still loves me. Who can separate me from this love? Can affliction or anguish or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No. Not death nor life nor angels nor rulers nor things present, not things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I didn’t die that day. Hope remains.

 

What is in a name?

Most of us in America are named because our parent’s like the sound of the name, it’s a family name, or it’s a popular name. What I love about many other cultures is that most people know what there name means. In the Bible God’s name is significant. We are even familiar with some of them. Abba means Daddy, Jehova Jira the Provider, El Shaddai, God Almighty. God proved himself to be the “God Who Sees Beforehand.”Chairo

Kai Marshall, being the fifth child and fourth boy of a family, where all the children’s first names start with hard K sound and the middle name starts with an M, not many names are left. Coming up with a name for him was not easy. As if that wasn’t enough, he was conceived during very difficult times for our family.

Determined to celebrate that the Lord granted my request for another child, I searched for a meaningful name. During the Young Adults Bible study in Philippians 4, I was reminded of the Greek word for Rejoice, Chairo (said with a hard K). Jon and I played with it for a while. I told one of my friends, and she looked at me without missing a beat and says, “Chairo… You’re going to name him after the capital of Egypt?” Um…No.

My spiritual dad from Hawaii says, “Name him after my Hawaiian name. David is Kawika.” So, we started looking at Hawaiian names, and came across Kai meaning water. But this is the time of relativism, and things mean what you want them to mean, right? We took Chairo and shortened it to Kai, reminding us to rejoice no matter the circumstances.

Sunday morning, June 22, the puzzle pieces came together. As we sat, in our grief, trying to see through the tears, I heard my friend’s voice from that Young Adult Bible study say, “Maybe we don’t have peace because we’re praying, but we’re not being thankful.” Philippians 4:4-7 overwhelmed my soul. How do I have peace when I am so broken? How do I breath? How do I rejoice? How does my heart not become bitter and angry? How…How…HOW LORD DO I HOLD ON TO YOU?

Lift one hand to the Lord in prayer. Taking all your petitions and worries and griefs to the Lord in pray. Don’t leave one thought or feeling or worry hidden from His presence. Cry out to Him in the anguish of your soul. Lift up the other hand in thanksgiving. One steady theme has emerged for me in my reading of the scriptures. It’s like God has grabbed my face and said, “LOOK at Me. Worship Me. Hope in Me.” When I begin to view my life with eternity in mind the present sufferings are becoming smaller because I can see the Glory of the Cross. I can be thankful that MY GOD IS BIGGER than anything that I face. Thankfulness that God sought me and bought me with His redeeming blood!

It’s amazing that the very verses that have brought me hope and peace are the very verses that I found Kai’s name.

Chairo in the Lord always. I will say it again Kai!

 

Walk in the Light

Before I opened my eyes this morning, thoughts of inadequacy and anguish and grieve assaulted me. I would like to credit some evil demon or even Satan himself, but the more likely story is that my flesh was attacking itself. My neural pathways are so programed to devalue self that only the grace of Jesus and the truth of who He is can change me. I understand that some women sin in the opposite way by elevating themselves above others. Both are sin.

The only way to combat sin is with Jesus. It matters not that the suffering that you are called to endure is different than mine. The remedy is the same. Romans 8:18 has been an anchor for me. “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.” Paul just says sufferings. Can we suffer because of our own sin? Yes. Do we suffer because some one sins against us? Yes. Do we suffer what is common to man (death, sickness, war etc.)? Yes.

The struggle is this. Will I focus my eyes on the suffering, or will I focus my eyes on Jesus? Will I sit in darkness, or will I let the light of truth shine in me? God made him who had no sin to be sin for me, so that in him I might become the righteousness of God. Oh, how truth should change the way I think!

 

 

Identify the lie

In the days after I delivered Kai darkness pressed on me from every side. The stillness and quiet of the night became a living nightmare. My will to choose to believe the Lord exercised my faith. I’d like to say that it was easy, but it wasn’t.

I wrote this to my friends and family on June 21, “To all who are grieving with us, please remember the promise. God does not promise us that sickness will not come, that death will not happen, that all manner of tribulation or tragedy will not come to us. He only promises us that “blessed are they that mourn because they will be comforted.” He promises His children that He will never leave them nor forsake them. Please make a covenant with me that you will not play the “what if game”. Identify the lie that this wouldn’t have happened if… But claim the promise that God will bring comfort. I may have to yell it, but today I will claim His promises. Know that you are loved and appreciated!

Let me tell you how much easier it is to write it than live it. In the moment it’s a 5K for your faith. I started on the path. Many of God’s truths are working themselves out in my life.

The lies we tell ourselves hinder our faith and chain us to selfishness. So often when tragedy knocks on our door,  we point to ourselves. The conversation we have within either elevates our ego to self righteousness or tears us down, devaluing our ego. Both are equally prideful and self worship.

What lies do you tell yourself? Do you crush yourself under the weight of self righteousness? Here is truth. Galatians 5 says, “You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value.The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.”

I have a tendency to tear down and devalue myself. My past chains tell me that I’m just not good enough. The voice in my head says, “You didn’t… You sinned this way… You’re not…” The lie I have to identify is that I’m still trying to justify myself by the law, which I can never do. I have sinned. I can never be righteous. But what the law was powerless to do God did by sending Jesus.

The opposite crushes and blinds by elevating and overvaluing. If you hear the lie that you can be justified by the law, then you have fallen from grace and obligated to keep the whole law. The only man to be able to do that was Jesus, and he was sacrificed to be an offering for sin to satisfy the wrath of God. You have set yourself up as a god.

When tragedy knocks on your door, the most important thing to do is to identify lies? The only way to do that is to know God. Ask Him today to break the chain of selfishness and pride.

Blessed???

June 20, 2014 started out beautiful. Excitement filled the air as we put the infant carrier in the van, loaded our four other children in to take them to summer camp. Plagued by intermittent contractions for two days, I knew today would be the day. We would go to the doctor, and she would send us to the hospital to welcome our fourth boy into our arms.

My husband and I sat waiting for the doctor, sharing our laughter. Then the most terrible thing I could even imagine happened. There was no heart beat. An ultrasound confirmed Kai had died in my womb. Many things ran through my mind quickly. The most important at the time was caring for my whole family. My children were anxiously awaiting another brother. They had packed. They had prepared.

Back in the van. God spoke quietly to my heart. Decide. “Decide, this moment, will you let me be God in this moment? Or will you allow your heart to harden, and allow the root of anger and bitterness fertile ground?”

Will you believe in the God who commands even the winds and the waves? This thought of Even this… is expanded in this blog post.

In that moment I said yes. God began to unfold His truths in my life. The phrase common to man brought comfort. Although, devastating, I was walking a well worn path of many woman before me. What was common to woman was happening to me.

No where in the Bible could I find a promise that said, “Because you have done everything right and obeyed all God’s laws, you are safe from what you find most terrifying.” What I did find was Matthew 5:3-12.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

In the kingdom of God what is up is down. What is down is up. In every single verse the human mind says the exact opposite of what God promises. Now don’t get me wrong. Did I say that you will leap for joy and be giddy in grief? Not at first. God said to me, “In your grief, don’t lose sight of the fact that you are blessed.”

Do you need to remind yourself to view your situation through God’s perspective not man’s? Your situation is different, but pain is pain. Grief is grief. In this moment, trust God. Don’t worry about the next one until it comes.

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