In the days after I delivered Kai darkness pressed on me from every side. The stillness and quiet of the night became a living nightmare. My will to choose to believe the Lord exercised my faith. I’d like to say that it was easy, but it wasn’t.
I wrote this to my friends and family on June 21, “To all who are grieving with us, please remember the promise. God does not promise us that sickness will not come, that death will not happen, that all manner of tribulation or tragedy will not come to us. He only promises us that “blessed are they that mourn because they will be comforted.” He promises His children that He will never leave them nor forsake them. Please make a covenant with me that you will not play the “what if game”. Identify the lie that this wouldn’t have happened if… But claim the promise that God will bring comfort. I may have to yell it, but today I will claim His promises. Know that you are loved and appreciated!”
Let me tell you how much easier it is to write it than live it. In the moment it’s a 5K for your faith. I started on the path. Many of God’s truths are working themselves out in my life.
The lies we tell ourselves hinder our faith and chain us to selfishness. So often when tragedy knocks on our door, we point to ourselves. The conversation we have within either elevates our ego to self righteousness or tears us down, devaluing our ego. Both are equally prideful and self worship.
What lies do you tell yourself? Do you crush yourself under the weight of self righteousness? Here is truth. Galatians 5 says, “4 You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5 For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value.The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.”
I have a tendency to tear down and devalue myself. My past chains tell me that I’m just not good enough. The voice in my head says, “You didn’t… You sinned this way… You’re not…” The lie I have to identify is that I’m still trying to justify myself by the law, which I can never do. I have sinned. I can never be righteous. But what the law was powerless to do God did by sending Jesus.
The opposite crushes and blinds by elevating and overvaluing. If you hear the lie that you can be justified by the law, then you have fallen from grace and obligated to keep the whole law. The only man to be able to do that was Jesus, and he was sacrificed to be an offering for sin to satisfy the wrath of God. You have set yourself up as a god.
When tragedy knocks on your door, the most important thing to do is to identify lies? The only way to do that is to know God. Ask Him today to break the chain of selfishness and pride.
June 20, 2014 started out beautiful. Excitement filled the air as we put the infant carrier in the van, loaded our four other children in to take them to summer camp. Plagued by intermittent contractions for two days, I knew today would be the day. We would go to the doctor, and she would send us to the hospital to welcome our fourth boy into our arms.
My husband and I sat waiting for the doctor, sharing our laughter. Then the most terrible thing I could even imagine happened. There was no heart beat. An ultrasound confirmed Kai had died in my womb. Many things ran through my mind quickly. The most important at the time was caring for my whole family. My children were anxiously awaiting another brother. They had packed. They had prepared.
Back in the van. God spoke quietly to my heart. Decide. “Decide, this moment, will you let me be God in this moment? Or will you allow your heart to harden, and allow the root of anger and bitterness fertile ground?”
Will you believe in the God who commands even the winds and the waves? This thought of Even this… is expanded in this blog post.
In that moment I said yes. God began to unfold His truths in my life. The phrase common to man brought comfort. Although, devastating, I was walking a well worn path of many woman before me. What was common to woman was happening to me.
No where in the Bible could I find a promise that said, “Because you have done everything right and obeyed all God’s laws, you are safe from what you find most terrifying.” What I did find was Matthew 5:3-12.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
In the kingdom of God what is up is down. What is down is up. In every single verse the human mind says the exact opposite of what God promises. Now don’t get me wrong. Did I say that you will leap for joy and be giddy in grief? Not at first. God said to me, “In your grief, don’t lose sight of the fact that you are blessed.”
Do you need to remind yourself to view your situation through God’s perspective not man’s? Your situation is different, but pain is pain. Grief is grief. In this moment, trust God. Don’t worry about the next one until it comes.